This post involves a lot of self-pity and soul searching, so if you aren’t really up for that, look away now.
I have problems with people. I have problems with a lot of people in different ways, but this post is looking at one type in particular. When I go to gay clubs, there’s a certain type of person who really annoys me with their actions and their attitude, and I would go as far as to say that I actively hate them.
I’m not going to go into a lengthy description of the type of person I’m talking about, as it’s immaterial to the rest of the content of this entry, and it’s also very hard to nail it down exactly. Needless to say, if you’re my friend, then you don’t fit into this category, since I probably wouldn’t have made friends with you if you did. So don’t go thinking that I’m talking about you. Because I’m not.
The problem is that these people always deeply annoy me, and it completely flips my mood around. I can be having a great time with some great friends, but if there are other people like that around, I find it very hard to keep my mood up.
Why do they make me angry? I don’t know really. Maybe it’s something I don’t like about myself; maybe it’s rather that they represent something about being gay that I dislike and don’t want people seeing me as; or perhaps it’s envy, that they are able to act like they do.
Either way, somehow I let people like this destroy my fun nights out. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been enjoying myself with friends, only to get irritated, angry, and eventually actively feeling down and depressed and wanting out. It hurts me, because I lose good times, and it hurts my friends, because I’m no longer fun to be with. It’s got to the point where I’m actively trying to avoid nights where people like this are likely to be, and where the situation is therefore likely to occur.
The question is: why do I let them do this to me? They aren’t doing it deliberately, they’re surely not even aware of my presence. But I let them bring me down. So in effect, I am doing this to myself. The arguments are all there: I’m out with friends, having a good time – why would other people, whom I don’t even know, be allowed to overshadow great company and great music?
But it does happen. It messes with my head and I find it incredibly hard to see beyond it, to the good time I was having and the great people I’m with. It's not something I can control, and it feels like it's something that happens to me that brings a 'fog' down in front of everything. A fog I’m all too familiar with. I don’t want to call it ’depression’, because I feel that cheapens what other people are going through, since it’s short-term and shallow, quite frankly. But it feels like I’m in some dark, desolate hole, and that darkness just covers and smothers everything else.
It’s something I wish I could get past. I’ve changed a lot in my life since I was 17, and but there are still things like this. Is the problem my negativity? Do I need to stop ’hating’ people, holding grudges and seeing the worst in people? And... can I do that?